Stuck in an airport prevented me from posting this sooner but yesterday was the holy holiday of Festivus. A holiday for the rest of us. While most jackasses are out at various malls of America, I'm hear sitting in my heat filled home in Yinzerburgh, Pennsylvania pondering one of the key pillars of Festivus, the airing of grievances.
The celebration of Festivus begins with the "Airing of Grievances", which takes place immediately after the Festivus dinner has been served. It consists of lashing out at others and the world about how one has been disappointed in the past year. So let me start with my own airing of grievances - to the Pittsburgh Steelers.
I got a lot of problems with you people! And now, you're gonna hear about it!!!!!!!!!
Happy Festivus, Troy Polamalu - Why the hell did you accept the Madden cover? Why jeopardize our chances at repeating? As if you haven't missed enough time in your career, you follow up the Super Bowl and a chance to repeat, by willingly cursing yourself and effectively ending your season. I'm sure you thought, "Oh, the Madden Curse isn't real." Look at the list dipshit, the Madden Curse is ALIVE and WELL! Now whenever I wikipedia the Madden Curse, you're ass will be on the list. Happy Festivus!
Why on earth are you trying to block a field goal while we are at it. And why the hell are you anywhere near 350 lb Alge Crumpler. That fat fuck would destroy Troy's MCL and this our season. Fat fucking pos asshole. Also, Troy, you are a hippy. Don't you have some new age health medicine or workout regiment that can fix your fucking leg. GET ON THE FIELD AND LETS WIN THE AFC. And stop being a corporate whore. That's un-hippy like no matter how sexy your hair is.
Happy Festivus, William Gay. Your ability to play corner has taken not only a step back but a step off the grand canyon. You were great last year. People actually thought you could be a good #2 corner in only your 3rd season. Except, this season you are piss. You can barely do the simple things like staying on your feet. You can't tackle without flailing like Yinzer when he sees a nickel on the ground. You make the 378638746873 old Deshea Townsend seem like an upgrade to you. You haven't made a play on the ball all season. You haven't had an interception this season. In terms of the Bobs, What is it you do here? You obviously aren't a people person. Cuz you makes all hate you and question your existence. Last season I was gay for gay. You actually made plays on the ball. And would actually, gasp, BREAK up passes. Instead, you play 10 yards off receivers and don't have speed to break up the pass. Good game, you fucking asshat. Here's to next season, William, where hopefully you will be able to remove your head from your assholio.
Happy Festivus, Tyrone Carter. You were terrible in 2007 but somehow continue to reside on the football field. You are like the last remaining nugget of shit after a flushing. You are slow, terrible and a midget. You hit hard when someone isn't looking and you luck into interceptions. You celebrate after every play you make but then you get exposed in space and do no such thing. The coaches says you know the defense. You know nothing. You know how to look like a complete jackass on the football field. You should thank your god that Troy Polamalu was there to save your ass but now you have been exposed. Here is an example of Tyrone Shithead in coverage.
Happy Festivus, James Farrior. You will go down in the annals as a proud warrior who donned the black and gold with pride and tenacity. You were the best FA signing in my lifetime. You were the consummate pro and leader. You were straight up dynamic in 2004. But...you are straight up shit now. You flail worse then Gay. Your tackling ability slipped. You ability to cover even the slowest of backs is piss poor. Watching you painfully and awkwardly swipe at players who are much faster than your cemented-booted ass is both painful and depressing. Watching you give up fourth down, after fourth down makes me kill my liver so many times this year. So...happy Festivus James Farrior. Good thing you signed that extension during the offseason!!!!!! You fucking jackass. Hope we draft your replacement this year.
Happy Festivus, Heath Miller. You have been a complete puss this season outside of random moments. What happened to the blocking you flashed during your rookie year. What happened to those soft hands. What happened to that speed that took a pass 83 yards against the Dolphins. What happened to the guy that would seek out contact and try to run over people. We all miss that guy. BUT NOT THIS GUY. It's a good thing, you also signed a heavy duty extension for being a top 20 TE in the NFL.
Happy Festivus, special teams. You are another reason we are just about out of the playoffs. You can't cover anyone!!!!!!! You can't stay in your lanes. You can't make tackles. You can't get off blocks. You can't block for your returners. You are all shit!! All 11 of your assholes should be cut. And your dickhead leader, Bob Ligashesky and his turd in training, Amos Jones. GTFO.
God willing, you all turn your salaries into this wonderful organization.
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April 14, 2010
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