Look you guys are great and wonderful and anybody would be lucky to have you. I just can't right now. I'm really into my hockey team right now and not ready for such a commitment. I mean look you'll find someone that appreciates you. I just can't do that now. It's for the best...

My team is in game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals and all of a sudden, people want to hang out and watch some hockey? Really? People outside of Yinzer, Devo and myself watch hockey? Apparently so. Now with game 7 coming Friday (shockingly against every ESPN prognostication) I'm in the uneviable task of alienating friends due to a simple case of superstition. At least until the game is over. Sorry guys, no sail.

Yes, I'm one of those sort of fans. If we win in whatever outfit I am wearing, you can rest assured that said outfit is being worn no matter how much it smells like whiskey, cigarette, and nachos. Such has been the case my entire existence. Whether it be wearing my lucky Stiller socks as a youth to wearing a lucky pirate cap, superstition and luck have always had a place in my life and has snowballed to new levels. I'm easily the most superstitious person around to an almost douchebaggy degree.  Sure, there are some limitations to this, mostly relating to socks and boxers, but everything else is fair game. And when we lose, you better believe that those clothes are the first thing going into the laundry bin. But I do even dumber things, including but not limited to:

• Standing in the same place we scored the last point (See Stanley Cup Game 5, 2008) without moving
  
• Sitting at the same chair/table
  
• Routinely alternating my hat between backwards, sideways, front, rally, as if I control the universe.
  ordering the same meal if we win, even if it makes me sick (kielbasa)
  
• I can't DVR my teams' games anymore because we lose every game I DVR (so basically I'm spending $10/month recording I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here)
  
• Whether it be dragging the Steeler crew to the cesspool that is Public House and their viscious 30 dollars "all you can drink beer and (rat) wings"despite no one liking it because we had the best record there
  
• Never wearing that $90 Penguin jersey because frankly we've lost EVERY time i've ever worn it (0-10).
• Banning friends from watching games because we lose in their presence

I mean who does this right? I'm normally a rational sane individual who has some quirks but not enough to blow off friends especially on a Friday night.

But dude it's the playoffs! Wardrobes are one thing but with the playoffs, every variable becomes added to the mix and with every loss new variables are introduced until the ultimate blend can be concocted.

Branching out to include not just clothing now but  various other walks of life. What songs to listen to before, during and after the game, sitting or standing in the same spot, going to the liquor store again eventhough you have plenty of alcohol. Such insane stuff man. I've become that person. I can't help it if we are 3-0 everytime I go to the liquor store. Or 6-0 when I listen to atmosphere during a game. Or 3-0 when I have a pre game Pastafina slice.Ugh. It's hard on the upkeep but it must be done. Whatever it takes is the moto. 2-0 drinking out of same glass. Keeping the same programs open (photoshop) and websites open 3-0. My computer is undefeated since it's last restart. Can't crash it until Saturday.   0-2 when friends come over for Stanley Cup Final games.

I think I got the variables now.

Now combine that with superbowl winning combo: Willie Parker jersey (yes, I know wrong sport but I win in it...19-2 ), (White ECF 2008 tshirt given to me by Yinzer 5-1), Penguin winter hat (despite the fact it's 80 degrees outside and my AC broke 9-1), black jeans (literally worn them for 3 weeks 7-2) and my white douche shoes I never wear unless sports are involved 8-2) .With all the variables added and none of you there (except BH, Washington Game 7), victory is ours!

So sadly guys, I won't be watching the game with you. It's not you I swear it's me. Don't worry. You're so funny and smart and amazing and fun to be around. Anyone but me would be lucky to watch game 7 with you. You'll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I'll be right by your side right after the game to suddenly become all cool and awesome again. Do you really want to watch game 7 with someone who thinks he can control the world with his actions and what he wears? You deserve better...

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