Thoughts about one of the more exciting events in sports from a dumbass who had no real rooting interest.

As the battle for the Stanley Cup continues to rage between the Pittsburgh Penguins and Detroit Red Wings, I turn your attention for a moment to those teams who are not lucky enough to be in the finals as I continue my analysis of team’s offseason outlooks. This installment will cover the teams that fell in the second round.

Look you guys are great and wonderful and anybody would be lucky to have you. I just can't right now. I'm really into my hockey team right now and not ready for such a commitment. I mean look you'll find someone that appreciates you. I just can't do that now. It's for the best...

My team is in game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals and all of a sudden, people want to hang out and watch some hockey? Really? People outside of Yinzer, Devo and myself watch hockey? Apparently so. Now with game 7 coming Friday (shockingly against every ESPN prognostication) I'm in the uneviable task of alienating friends due to a simple case of superstition. At least until the game is over. Sorry guys, no sail.

         So great, the Yankees are 34-25. This is by far the team's best record at this point in a season in the last 3 years. It is also nice that Tex is having a phenomenal season. It is even nice that Alfredo Aceves has become Ramrio Mendoza 2K9. Heck, its even really cool that, unlike his predecessor "El Coma Dulce", Swisher actually seems to be interested in his job. But you know what,  it feels pretty meaningless at 10:40 pm on Wednesday night. That is because the Yankees are 0-7 in the only games that really feel like they matter before July, those against the Boston Red Sox. First, Brett Gardner is the worst pinch runner of all time (the last two times he was put in with 1 or 0 outs, he didn't even attempt to steal even though he's one of the two or three fastest guys in the league). Second, A- Rod might as well be Tex's hitting coach because his only positive impact on the team so far is the fact that he is apparentley Mark's greatest inspiration. Third, G-d knows I had a huge man crush on CMW for years but its finally over. I never liked Hughes but he looks like he has finally turned the corner and its time to put him in the rotation and either release Wang or put him in the bullpen. It's sad that a guy who won 46 games from the start of 06 through the half-way point of 08 is now one of the league's worst 5th starters. However, more than all of this, It is terrifying to me that a team could be so psyched out by another team. Given that the Yanks are 34-18 against the rest of baseball, it is fair to say the Bronx Bombers are an elite club. It's got a good rotation, a great lineup, and a still excellent if not aging closer. However, if the Yanks club doesn't pull one out tomorrow night with its ace going against the Sox's worst, I am officially declaring a state of "Rivalry Emergency". Met fans may be doing this tonight after choking away a 3 run lead in the 7th to Philly and no doubt did this after that debacle of a choke job last season in which they coughed up a 3 run lead at home in the top of the 9th sometime in mid July. ( I remember, I was there) Put another way, its hard to fathom a club going 0-8 against its arch rival and not have that demoralize it's players going forward. Put still another way, YOU BETTER FUCKING WIN TOMORROW ASSHOLES.

I'll talk about that sometime this weekend after the NHL season ends and a Devils Year in Review is put into full effect.  In the meantime, check out what everyone is talking about.  Yup, Jimmy Fallon is cool for a day.

After Saturday's massacre, every two-bit hockey analyst all but buried the Penguins and why not. They didn't show up. They couldn't muster anything offensively. They took horrendous penalties and made egregious turnovers. They lost their poise. Their composure. Their virginity. Coaching adjustments were none existant. The defense looked like an AHL unit.

There aren't any positives to take out of that game. It's just something you have to put behind you if possible. Can they do it?

Well, no according to everyone. You can look at history:

• The Red Wings are 3-1 this year in games they could eliminate opponents.
• They had won 13 of 14 Game 6s in which they had the chance to end a series and advance before the Anaheim Ducks stayed alive in this year’s second round.
  
• The history of best-of-7 NHL Finals series, teams leading 3-games-to-2 with Games 1-2 at home, Games 3-4 on the road, and Game 5 at home (such as Detroit) have a 19-1 (.950) series record with an active thirteen (13) series winning streak. The sole series loss in this situation was sustained by the Chicago Blackhawks in the 1971 NHL Finals to the Montreal Canadiens.

You can look at the highlights:

You can look at Marc Andre Fleury and his horrendous game 5. Sure, he was hung out to dry by his defense but some of those are some awful goals that he's got to make. Fleury's potential is unreal but his consistency is terrible. The Red Wings are in his head.

You can look at the disappearing acts of Sidney Crosby, Bill Guerin, Ruslan Fedetenko, Jordan Staal and Chris Kunitz. These guys need to all come through in a big way if the Penguins have a shot. They have yet to. Fedetenko should have had 2 goals in about the first 10 minutes of game 5. Staal scored the supposed 'series changer' SHG in game 4 as annointed by the media but followed it up with a poor effort in game 5. The entire Crosby line has failed in a big way. Now is the time to finally show up in this series. If not for the unbelievable performance of Evgeni Malkin, this series should already be over.

You can look at the experts over at ESPN, Yahoo, CBC, TSN etc. all sticking a fork in the Penguins. I mean the media is never wrong guys. The Penguins might win tonight but there is NO CHANCE IN HELL of a victory in Detroit which has been the Penguins' personal hell for the past two seasons. Especially now that the BEST PLAYER IN THE LEAGUE back in the foil. He being Pavel Datsyuk who is god on both the offensive and defensive side of the ice. He who is god who decks Malkin and still nets 2 assists while playing at 50%. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, a true god of men.

So what's left to do for our black and vegas gold heroes? Sit there and lose again in heinous fashion?You betcha. Don't even bother showing up Penguins cuz Barry Melrose/Puck Daddy and Pierre McGuire said so. The cup is in the building. The Stanley Cup champion tshirts are printed. So are the hats. Champagne is on ice. The parade is already being planned. It's only a matter of time. That creepy guy with the white gloves is oiling up the cup. Screw it Pens don't bother showing up.

Ya never want to say that a road team needs to win 2 of 3 in June against a team as stacked in every position except DH as the Boston Red Sox.  But quite simply, that is what the Yankees need to do this week.  Sure, they can take one of the games, and they'll still be tied with the Sox for first place and fairly ahead of everyone else for the wild card.  And oh yeah, it's only June, so should we really be watching the standings yet?

Well, no, but would it kill the Yankees, winless against the Sox thus far this season, to win a game or (gasp) a series against the Sox this year?  Common sense says that the World Series will probably go through Fenway this year, so some sort of confidence would be nice.  That said, the Yanks play the Mets next weekend, so it should not be hard to find confidence if needed after another Fenway massacre.

The pitching matchups:

Tuesday: Burnett/Beckett

Wednesday: Wang/Wakefield

Thursday: Sabathia/Penny

My prediction: Yankees take Tuesday and Wednesday before inexplicably losing the most favorable pitching matchup.  Because that's how these series go.

Does anyone have that one friend whom they love to praise to friends, and are fascinated by them, only they don't actually like to spend any time with them?  Yeah, me neither, but it sounded like a decent analogy at the time.  But more importantly, that's how I've viewed the NBA over the last ten years or so.  Why is this?  Well, the short answer is Bill Simmons, my favorite writer for the last 8 years who makes an average sports fan want to REALLY care about the NBA.  But the real answer is a bit more complicated...

The story is seen throughout every playoff year. The 'I hope that motherfucker gets lit up' theorem if you will. Last year, Devo saw a new found level of hatred for one Sean Augustus Avery III. My hatred was more towards diving, average, "Trent Dilfer of the NHL" goaltender, Chris Osgood. Obviously as another final is upon us my level of hate is officially shifting. Don't get me wrong, I still hate 'average goaltender who plays behind the best defense in the league' as much as the next guy. But my hatred has gone to new levels courtesy of this douche.

THIS GUY IS SUCH A WALKING PILE OF DOUCHE award goes to Detroit's Johan Franzen. Franzen is another one of Detroit's success stories. Late round pick quickly ascends to league's most dominant players. He recently signed a monster extension. He is an animal in front of the net. He is physical and plays solid defense. He scores pretty goals. He can stickhandle through Tonic East at 3 AM.

But despite being 6' 3'' 230, Franzen can be seen diving around the ice, acting as if he was shot everytime he gets checked in the boards, flopping like a fish on canal street. How can a guy flop so much? This is a guy that stands in front of the net every game and takes a beating but as soon as he's along the boards, he loses his power. This isn't xmen or some shit and Franzen doesn't lose his strength by getting out of the goal crease. It's such crap. Yinzer touched on this in his article. Franzen is not only an ass but he's also a Ginger and even worse a douchebag.